thoughts on pregnancy and upcoming motherhood

i have never felt so unprepared for something in my entire life. eight months down and just under two to go, and i'm starting to panic. i've always been a procrastinator, so i shouldn't be surprised that i'm feeling this way at this point in time. i've always crammed for midterms and finals the night before and somehow done well on them, but i'm pretty sure that that method of functioning/living doesn't work when it comes to preparing for being a parent :(. 

for starters, the due date is never exact. little L could come three weeks early or eight days late, and he'd still be right on time. if he's anything like me, though, he'll be a little late :). but honestly, sometimes i feel like everything's going along smoothly in pregnancy land as it should, and, at other times, like right at this moment (in a hormone rage, perhaps?), i am overwhelmed by how much ihaven't done to prepare. i haven't completely read one of the seven plus books on pregnancy that are quickly collecting dust on my shelves, but i didn't read most of my books in school, either, so why am i surprised??? i haven't taken half the pics i thought i'd want to take or written all the blog and journal entries i thought i would. the list goes on...

as i reflect now, though, i realise that i've subconsciously avoided writing because i've thought that most of my pregnancy feelings have been negative ones that i didn't even want to admit to myself, much less the rest of the world. i dreamed of being, longed to be pregnant for so many years of my life and was just sure that it'd be the most magical unicorn experience, but it's frankly been quite the opposite for me. the first trimester was filled with nausea and extreme tiredness, and just when everyone said i'd start feeling better, i didn't; i started feeling worse. backaches, feet aches, excess swelling and pain in my feet and legs, and so much pain in my buttocks at night that i need sleeping pills in order to function like a normal human being. i've even had to go on sick leave from work! yeah, that's been my pregnancy.

but somehow, leg cramps and achiness aside, listening to his rapid little heartbeat at our midwife visits and feeling his tiny feet kick my ribs and bladder always make me smile and tear up...well almost always. sometimes i just want to go back to sleep. or sometimes i just wish i had a change of underwear because that swift kick just caused a few drops of pee to leak out :P.

i suppose that i've just had 1,029 subconscious expectations for what pregnancy was going to be like--can i blame hollywood here??--and as each of those thoughts and ideas gets squelched, i get disappointed in myself. suddenly, without warning, the jordana who's worked as a professional nanny and taken care of kids for years and who's never had trouble juggling her schedule and keeping up with several other people's schedules can't remember on which cycle to wash clothes or at which bus stop to get off. i'm not used to not having it all together. yes, that was a double negative. i am the girl who's always had her own life organised and has even been paid to organise others', and yet, out of nowhere, my life feels confusing and unorganised and semi-chaotic--i can partly blame that on our very recent move across town--and before i know it, i'm going to be pushing out a new little person into the world who will be in my care, and what if i still don't have "it" together??? 

there, i said it. i revealed my current greatest fear that keeps tumbling around in my head: i am afraid that for perhaps the first time in my life, i won't be totally prepared and in control. but as those words spill out on cyber "paper," i am reminded that i have really never been in control. oh, don't get me wrong; i've tried to be and failed miserably at it, but i handed over control of my life to Jesus Christ a good 25 years ago, and there's no better place it could be! whew! what a relief! seriously, acknowledging that it's Jesus who's Lord of my life and that it's he who's created the life that's growing inside of me is incredibly freeing! i don't have to be superwoman or supermom or any other self-made superhero. i just need to be me and trust that just as God prepared the israelites to enter the promised land--i've been reading through the pentateuch over the past two months--he's preparing me to be a mom and my precious husband who has very little experience with kids to be an amazing dad. even if we read 127 books on pregnancy and how to be prepared, we still wouldn't be perfect and truly "ready." honestly, how can you ever truly be prepared for being sprayed in the face with pee or having to listen to constant wailing for three hours at a time without wanting to scream yourself??

there are a few things, however, that i realise that i do want and plan to do in the very near future. i have decided that i'm going to read through the simple, to-the-point book the midwife gave us and be content with that accomplishment. i will make sure that we take a few more belly pics over the next few weeks as rapid changes happen to my body, and, heck, we'll even have a professional photo shoot to celebrate! i will continue to go to my midwife appointments and the preparing-to-be-a-parent courses with suppe. i will contine to share my hopes and fears with him. i will continue to get accupuncture to help with the pain in my booty. i will continue to wear compression tights (even though i hate them) and sleep with my body pillow and the other 12 pillows that have taken over our bed. i will continue to take my pregnant vitamins and do my best to eat healthily and to continue my water aerobics for pregnant chicks. and, well, i will continue to organise and reorganise little L's room because that's what i do :). finally, i will be gracious to myself (perhaps the hardest step of all!!) and remind myself that i am not super pregnant woman and that i will never be supermom and that that's really okay. really. if God can forgive me for all the ridiculous things i do, then i can surely forgive myself!

oh yeah, i'm gonna make sure that suppe and i pack our bag to take to the hospital this weekend, too. i arrived several weeks early and little L could do the same. and then i'm going to enjoy the season that is upon us now and live in the moment as much as possible. i'm going to attend my second baby shower hosted by my bestie cathy, celebrate thanksgiving (swede-american style) without being interrupted by a crying baby, go to a few Christmas markets, throw a party or two, and rest and enjoy what i can of the remainder of my pregnancy. my life is about to be turned upside down...and that's a good thing.